I was talking to mom about life a few weeks ago. Actually, it was probably more like fighting with her, I tend to be an untamed creature at times. Our fighting is usually over the little things that I can't seem to understand matter to her so much and then there are the times when it's a living hell in my house because some of the things that are little to me are like mountains to her. At my house, when it rains, I usually make it pour. I keep my deepest feelings about life inside of me most of the time and so when I get angry with her, a whole vat of irrelevant emotions spring forth from within. Eventually my stubborness and strong will both cave in and it turns out to be a pretty rational conversation-It may take a few hours.Or days.Or weeks. But we get there. And when we do get there, it's usually a positive thing because we get to the root of my anger and are better able to talk about it. And even still, I may or may not get verrry worked up seeing as to how I get in these moods where I get soooooooooooooo freakin' frustrated with this world I live in...
...And that's really what this post is about, this world that we live in. I kind of go off on a tangent quite frequently, you'll have to forgive me.
Buttt when we were finally talking, I told her, "I'm NOT like my sisters or like anybody else, I am different!"
...and to that she said, "I know you're not Lahni, you have been screaming that since you came out."
& I guess she's right.
I have been through a lot of pain in my past. I became a statistic of the eating disorder world, thankful I'm now a part of a statistic for the ones who recover. The end of middle school and the beginning of high school I really struggled with this & the thing is that most people just saw me and freaked out because all the life was sucked out from me & I was a skeleton. But you don't choose an eating disorder, it chooses you. It controls you and behind it all lies a much bigger disease than anyone from the outside knows. I was a very unhappy inside & had a lot of inward demons I was facing. I looked to others for acceptance and didn't allow myself to be free. I am no longer bound to the chains of anorexia and bulimia, but even after recovering, I still dealt with self hatred, several past relationships and things I never should of allowed myself to be involved with factored into this. This past year I left public school because of a lot of personal things I was dealing with and from this past year I have changed so much and have learned some of the most valuable lessons I have yet to learn, especially in the last few months.
1) I have learned that no matter where you are, school or home, people gonna hate. As of very recently this stands ever true. She hates me, she tells people she hates me, she just hates.
2) But I have also learned that I can't let myself become bitter towards her even though she pisses me off more than I should probably say on here...i don't know what she's dealing with, maybe she just hates, but maybe just maybe behind her 95 pound hatred lies something bigger than I can see.
3)I have learned that it's her hatred, not mine & that I'm allowed to be happy and free & I don't have to care what she thinks of me.
4) I have learned that the only thing that will ever make my heart truly free is if I use it as it was created to be used & that is solely for loving myself & others no matter how hard it can be.
One of my best friends and I were talking about death, resonating it with the recent loss of a woman in our community who committed suicide & we were talking about how we don't know what she was going through, we just don't. We don't know a lot of things that some people deal with simply because we look at them from the outside, instead of extending love and reaching for what's on the inside. Going through my own 'secret pains' in the past has made me really open my eyes to others. Maybe if more people would have taken notice of something more than the fact that my hip bones were sticking out and I could barely fill out a bra(which is still not the easiest thing=D), maybe it would have made getting through it a little easier. Maybe I can be that for someone else. Maybe you can. I just get so frustrated that people are so mean to eachother and their hearts are full of hate. I don't understand this life completely, all I know is that it just takes a little love.
Everyone has a story, sometimes it's just covered up by a lot of hate & anger. I'm learning to look past all of that, and while I'm not perfect, I do know that love always wins.
I'm learning it's okay to be me with all my dreams and passions and hopes and fears & hold on to them tightly. I'm learning it's okay to be different in a world where different is the minority.
I'm learning that I don't have to care what others think of me.I'm free to fly.
& you are too.
