To you reading this,

To you reading this, my heart, my soul, feel so much-too much it often seems. And that scares me, hurts me, amazes me, and moves me, all at the same time. The capacity of my heart and every heart to hold both love and hate in their own unique ways is such an overwhelming thought to me. The complexity and diversity of any one human heart is a mystery to me. All of these wild emotions each one of us feel in different ways and at different times, thinking about it simply leads me yet to more feelings-confusion and uncertainty mostly. To you reading this, my heart aches for whatever your heart may be aching for, and to me that's strange,isn't it?-the way we can't decipher our own hearts, but somehow allow the hearts of others to willingly or unwillingly make a way into ours, causing an even heavier weight-whether that weight be good or bad. The heart is surely a beautiful gift, but it is certainly a messy, dangerous, and confusing one as well...kind of like the tacky christmas sweater your grandma got you or the thoughtful paper plate with glue covered cotton balls, flourescent pipe cleaners, and other unidentifiable objects you gave your mom to hang on the fridge when you were in kindergarten. I mean is it even possible to dissect the heart and understand it completey- or even a little bit? I really don't think it is. I think we are always going to feel things with great uncertainty in the depths of our souls that will leave us with a vast flood of unanswered questions. So here we are, living, breathing, and carrying within us hearts that even our own minds can't comprehend. And for what? A life of never feeling complete and whole? I don't think that's the purpose. I think something far greater lies beneath each one of our hearts, even if it's buried deep deeeeeeeep within. And maybe it's not, maybe it's slowly surfacing within your heart, like it is mine. But it's that one thing that urges us and keeps us searching and wandering, I believe it's called hope. I believe it's called Jesus. And even to the ones who don't like Jesus and have hardened hearts, let me tell you a little bit more, because I was there very recently, questioning Him who allowed my heart to feel more than I ever wanted to or thought was fair. And honestly, I'm still there, one foot stuck in the mud and the other one free as can be, but I'm learning and I want to tell you all about it.

Natalie Grant's lyrics to her song Alive say it well-"What kind of King would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart?" Jesus. Unfathomable is the only word that I can think of. I'm learning. I'm learning that my life, my heart, was paid at a price by this unfathomable man, and yet given to me freely that He might win my heart. What the heck Jesus? I don't understand. But I do understand why my heart hurts and longs for, it's because He wants to draw me closer to His. But that's just what I think, your eyes may not see it the same-or maybe they're just not open. Ya know, I kind of(to an extent) hate organized religion, it offers you a banner across a wall that sais 'God's not dead, He's alive!' as if that one exclamation point is going to project itself off of an inanimate object into the mind of a person sitting in the congregation and totally change their world. It frustrates me. I'm allowed to be frustrated, I'm allowed to think that church is sometimes absolutely ridiculous, because sometimes it is. It's not about all of that though, organized religion, church, banners, or even what I think, it's about Jesus' heart and your heart-and that is all. So you see, that banner that frustrates me, the words may be true, but not any truer than if there was a sign that said 'God's dead and always will be' because those words are just words and unless they are offered to me and to you with a fresher perspective, then 'just' words they will stay. Unless we share our hearts with one another and show up for eachother, 'just' words they will stay. I am sharing my heart with you, and though I write this with a broken and imperfect terribly imperfect heart, I can say from an experience based on more than reading that banner on the wall, that God is not dead and He is absolutely alive. He is alive and continually reminding me that what He did on that cross two-thousand years ago, He does for me and you still... and everyday by providing us a place to rest our sinful, ugly, and screwed up hearts that somehow He finds beautiful enough to love. I am not worthy, at all, and I will never understand such a big love, but I know I can rest in the promise that He understands me and always will no matter what... and will love me just the same. To you reading this, this is my Jesus. This is your Jesus and He is just as close to your heart as He is to mine.