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Sunday, July 15, 2012

This is life.

"A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I think one thing I have found to be true is that at any given moment in my life I will never be able to emphatically say that I know who I am. As disconcerting as that may sound, I have found it a rather liberating thought. To me, it's a matter of holding on to the little control I think I have(but really don't) or letting myself go, giving up the fight, and saying "Let it be". I have found it a dangerous place to be when I limit my self worth and purpose of being on whether or not all is as I think it should be. I blindly feed myself lies that trick me into believeing that if I'm experiencing inner battles and demons or questioning God's goodness, than surely I'm not worth much or good enough and these questions I have will never be answered. Let me tell you, I have been in that mindset for a hard several months now and it is a scary place to be, even scarier when you feel stuck. It is so hard to live in a world that is constantly "using" you when you're doing your best to be free. But as hard as it is though, I have been learning that no person, no sickness, no thing, and not one circumstance can pause or stop me from being free because being free isn't being empty of pain, suffering, or the like...being free is breathing my next breath and knowing that I am not finished yet, it is resting in the strange yet comforting truth that who I am in that moment is not who I will always be.

My life, your life, is filled with innumerable moments that are constantly changing the way we view our God, ourselves, and our world. Most people call it change. It's what causes the stars to show themselves to us and what makes the sun rise up from the earth early in the morning. But it's also what caused the little girl to witness her father abusing her mother, her precious little soul warped forever. It's what causes cancer, relaying deep despair within the lives of many. It causes families to fall apart, saying things we don't mean. It causes much compromise in the way each one of us thinks. It's what causes people like me to question God's goodness in my life even after all He has done and all He has given me. It's what causes us to look back on a picture and wonder why the person we see isn't who we see in the mirror now. It's what brings us days of joy and peace and love and then so purposefully steals all that away from us, or so it seems. This is the world behind my eyes. An honest and genuine look at the way I see things, no matter if it's different than the way you see things. This is life. This is me. And all that I know is that it is what it is. There are questions that I won't ever get a satisfying answer to, and that's okay. I am learning that it is okay to be imperfect, to be broken, to have gaps that seem will never be filled. It's okay. It's okay not to know who I am. But I have to hold on to hope, I have to hold on to Jesus even if I'm mad at Him for leaving me behind in a world that I don't understand. I have to. Even when I feel the farthest away from Him like I do now, I have to hold on and trust that He does have a plan for my life even though I can't see it, even though the world around me is fogging my vision.

I know I have a God who loves me more than anything else even though I can't feel that love right now. I have friends and family and relationships that I am so blessed to have. I don't deserve them, none of us deserve any of this. And sometimes we don't want it because it seems there is more evil than good. But we have it and we have to hold onto it. We have to. And one thing I think we should never forget is that no matter how crazy life is, we need to share what little hope we have with others, always doing our best to love one another.

Each one of us is a stranger, we never fully know who we are, we are constantly changing, facing devils we don't understand, we are living and dying, and going day by day like we have it under control. We don't. None of us do. There comes a point when you have to lay your hands down and give up the fight. We can't do this alone. We need eachother and we need hope and love. We need Jesus. ALL of us do. I know I do. So go, be free even with all of your pain and your doubts. Take that next breath and know that who you are now is not who you were yesterday and not who you will be tomorrow.

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