HELLO!
I kind of just realized I didn't post an 'I'm leaving this site' note to you all...so now I am! I have officially moved over to http://www.uggum.blogspot.com . Visit me here!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
To you reading this,
To you reading this, my heart, my soul, feel so much-too much it often seems. And that scares me, hurts me, amazes me, and moves me, all at the same time. The capacity of my heart and every heart to hold both love and hate in their own unique ways is such an overwhelming thought to me. The complexity and diversity of any one human heart is a mystery to me. All of these wild emotions each one of us feel in different ways and at different times, thinking about it simply leads me yet to more feelings-confusion and uncertainty mostly. To you reading this, my heart aches for whatever your heart may be aching for, and to me that's strange,isn't it?-the way we can't decipher our own hearts, but somehow allow the hearts of others to willingly or unwillingly make a way into ours, causing an even heavier weight-whether that weight be good or bad. The heart is surely a beautiful gift, but it is certainly a messy, dangerous, and confusing one as well...kind of like the tacky christmas sweater your grandma got you or the thoughtful paper plate with glue covered cotton balls, flourescent pipe cleaners, and other unidentifiable objects you gave your mom to hang on the fridge when you were in kindergarten. I mean is it even possible to dissect the heart and understand it completey- or even a little bit? I really don't think it is. I think we are always going to feel things with great uncertainty in the depths of our souls that will leave us with a vast flood of unanswered questions. So here we are, living, breathing, and carrying within us hearts that even our own minds can't comprehend. And for what? A life of never feeling complete and whole? I don't think that's the purpose. I think something far greater lies beneath each one of our hearts, even if it's buried deep deeeeeeeep within. And maybe it's not, maybe it's slowly surfacing within your heart, like it is mine. But it's that one thing that urges us and keeps us searching and wandering, I believe it's called hope. I believe it's called Jesus. And even to the ones who don't like Jesus and have hardened hearts, let me tell you a little bit more, because I was there very recently, questioning Him who allowed my heart to feel more than I ever wanted to or thought was fair. And honestly, I'm still there, one foot stuck in the mud and the other one free as can be, but I'm learning and I want to tell you all about it.
Natalie Grant's lyrics to her song Alive say it well-"What kind of King would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart?" Jesus. Unfathomable is the only word that I can think of. I'm learning. I'm learning that my life, my heart, was paid at a price by this unfathomable man, and yet given to me freely that He might win my heart. What the heck Jesus? I don't understand. But I do understand why my heart hurts and longs for, it's because He wants to draw me closer to His. But that's just what I think, your eyes may not see it the same-or maybe they're just not open. Ya know, I kind of(to an extent) hate organized religion, it offers you a banner across a wall that sais 'God's not dead, He's alive!' as if that one exclamation point is going to project itself off of an inanimate object into the mind of a person sitting in the congregation and totally change their world. It frustrates me. I'm allowed to be frustrated, I'm allowed to think that church is sometimes absolutely ridiculous, because sometimes it is. It's not about all of that though, organized religion, church, banners, or even what I think, it's about Jesus' heart and your heart-and that is all. So you see, that banner that frustrates me, the words may be true, but not any truer than if there was a sign that said 'God's dead and always will be' because those words are just words and unless they are offered to me and to you with a fresher perspective, then 'just' words they will stay. Unless we share our hearts with one another and show up for eachother, 'just' words they will stay. I am sharing my heart with you, and though I write this with a broken andimperfect terribly imperfect heart, I can say from an experience based on more than reading that banner on the wall, that God is not dead and He is absolutely alive. He is alive and continually reminding me that what He did on that cross two-thousand years ago, He does for me and you still... and everyday by providing us a place to rest our sinful, ugly, and screwed up hearts that somehow He finds beautiful enough to love. I am not worthy, at all, and I will never understand such a big love, but I know I can rest in the promise that He understands me and always will no matter what... and will love me just the same. To you reading this, this is my Jesus. This is your Jesus and He is just as close to your heart as He is to mine.
Natalie Grant's lyrics to her song Alive say it well-"What kind of King would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart?" Jesus. Unfathomable is the only word that I can think of. I'm learning. I'm learning that my life, my heart, was paid at a price by this unfathomable man, and yet given to me freely that He might win my heart. What the heck Jesus? I don't understand. But I do understand why my heart hurts and longs for, it's because He wants to draw me closer to His. But that's just what I think, your eyes may not see it the same-or maybe they're just not open. Ya know, I kind of(to an extent) hate organized religion, it offers you a banner across a wall that sais 'God's not dead, He's alive!' as if that one exclamation point is going to project itself off of an inanimate object into the mind of a person sitting in the congregation and totally change their world. It frustrates me. I'm allowed to be frustrated, I'm allowed to think that church is sometimes absolutely ridiculous, because sometimes it is. It's not about all of that though, organized religion, church, banners, or even what I think, it's about Jesus' heart and your heart-and that is all. So you see, that banner that frustrates me, the words may be true, but not any truer than if there was a sign that said 'God's dead and always will be' because those words are just words and unless they are offered to me and to you with a fresher perspective, then 'just' words they will stay. Unless we share our hearts with one another and show up for eachother, 'just' words they will stay. I am sharing my heart with you, and though I write this with a broken and
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Everybody has to leave.
I know now what I knew not then.
A little girl, a frilly dress, and a building with a steeple. This is how I grew up, this is all I have ever known. Two loving parents, three loving sisters, all of whom told me there was a loving God. I was placed in this story not by choice, but because that's the way life works. Some are born into good families and some aren't. I was born into a good one, and for that I am thankful, but for eighteen years that's all I have let myself know. Most people that I have met throughout the years know that I am a "Christian", it's a pretty easy label(because that is certainly all it is)to live. No matter how broken, lonely, and confused I felt, I couldn't let people see my pain because I thought I would ruin that label, I feared what people would think of me, I feared dissapointment. The truth is, I was just a girl placed in a loving family, a girl told that there was a God who loved her, but deep inside my heart, I didn't believe it. I participated in all of the girls Bible studies, went to youth group every Wednesday night, listened to the pastor and other respected adults tell me things like, "I was fearfully and wonderfully made", or that "God had a plan for my life", but I just didn't know for sure if that was true and so I searched for something that would take away the pain and make me happy. I didn't find that something, I found an eating disorder which linked to a million other problems in my life and definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I battled this from the age of 13 and until I was 15. There were nights when my heart rate was scary low & my parents didn't know if I would make it through the night, there were fits of rage and anger, there were days that I wanted to hurt myself and some days where I did, there were times when I threatened to kill myself and times I wanted to die. There was one too many hospital visits, counseling and nutrition sessions where I wanted to scream, and people who made stupid comments. But, remember, I come from a "Christian" family, so of course I have a prayin' momma who has prayin' friends who have prayin' friends and eventually I got better and there came a point when I acknowledged the fact that God healed me, I couldn't run from Him the way I had been anymore.
My life changed a lot. I began to seek after this God who healed me and I began to realize my life had a purpose. My heart began to change a lot the few months after being released from all those annoying people who told me what to eat, that tried to analyze my feelings, and who made me step on the scale backwards. I wanted more from life after that, and so in short I left the country to serve the people of Guatemala and bring them hope. I was able to tell them how this Great God took me from my darkest night where I wanted to die to that very day standing in front of them wanting life abundantly. I came back from that trip changed, but things went downhill from there.
I started a new school year and had all of my stories to tell, wore a bra I could actually fill out, and people noticed. But again, they only saw the same girl they knew before the eating disorder, the "good Christian girl" and that label was placed right back on me. I began to realize that I still wasn't truly happy. So, I started to engage in some unhealthy habits that ultimately brought me back to a dark place in my life. I wanted people to accept me more than anything else and though I held on to my morals, I had a lot hidden beyond the surface that nobody saw. I made the descision to go to Ecuador on another mission trip the following summer months before and I didn't realize that by the time I was actually ready to leave the country I would be in the middle of a lot of pain within myself and with others, an inner battle I tried to hide. Ecuador ended up being just what I needed, a few crazy wonderful girls who I met came beside me and said, "We're going to do this together" and to this very day we are just as close in heart as we were the night we all cried until we couldn't cry anymore and let everything go. I came back from that trip hopeful which was a good thing, but still the God who had healed me from my sickness didn't feel quite as present in my life as he did before. I pretended that He was though and I made some descisions based on that lie I was living.
I didn't go back to school my junior year of high school because of some personal things I had going on. I chose instead to take online classes and that was one of the hardest descisions we have had to make as a family, but I was in pain and my parents knew that it was the best-descision. I had in mind that it was going to be easier for me to deal with the pain I was feeling if I was away from the negative influences and challenges I would have to face at school. It didn't quite go the way I wanted it to, in fact the past 7 months(second semester of junior year and summer going into senior year) have been some the worst months of my life and everything has changed.
Bad things started happening, one of my bestfriends 7-year old cousins died of cancer. Young lives in my own community have been taken too early. I have had many struggles of my own to deal with and I have questioned God. My whole view of God has been challenged. I don't care if this God healed me from my eating disorder, how in the world could He allow a 7-year old girl to die from cancer? It's like all of a sudden my eyes were opened to this broken world and my whole life didn't make sense anymore. All of this "Christian" stuff and this "religion" that has been forced upon me, didn't make sense to me anymore. Who was this God that I had grown up with? Why wasn't He answering my prayers and showing up when I needed Him? I didn't understand why He would allow me to feeling so much hoplessness in my heart? Because the truth is, I knew there was a God, without a doubt, I just didn't see His goodness anymore. And I didn't know then what I know now.
I read a quotes by Donald Miller that said, "It's funny how you can't ask difficult questions in a familiar place, how you have to stand back a few feet and see things in a new way before you realize nothing that is happening to you is normal. The trouble with you and me is we are used to what is happening to us. We grew into our lives like a kernel beneath the earth, never able to process the enigma of our composition...Nothing is normal. It is all rather odd, isn't it, our eyes in our heads, our hands with five fingers, the capacity to understand beauty, to feel love, to feel pain."
God has brought me through these past several months because my view of Him was warped and my faith distorted. That quote relates so well to what I have been going through- I couldn't ask the difficult questions about life and this God because I was standing in a familiar place, believing only in the God my family told me to believe in. The past several months have made me step back and see things in a whole new way. I wasn't able to process the 'enigma of my composition' because what I have grown up with is all I have ever allowed myself to know. I never searched beyond what I knew, I never asked those questions until now.
Another quote by Donald Miller says,"Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons." I had to leave. I had to leave my home. I had to leave all that was familiar to my heart and find out for myself. And I did. And I wish I would have a long time ago. I have learned much.
I have learned that religion has nothing to do with God and neither does the word Christian. Both are simply words that have no value and the family you are born into has no ultimate effect of your view of God. I have learned that I am my own, I am free, and I can walk my path with dignity, fearlessly touching the hearts of many just by being me-by stripping myself of every fear, doubt, and label and recklessly searching for more in this life, not letting anyone, even the ones closest to heart, shift my feet. I have learned that it's my story and I'm going to make mistakes, it's not going to be perfect, and sometimes I'm not going to know what to do. I have learned I am going to want things that I can't have and have things that I don't want. I have learned that my view of God was false because I thought that for Him to be good, He wouldn't allow bad things to happen.I have learned that this world that I live in and all of it's evils and pains are NOT a reflection of who my God is. God knows all about suffering, He sent His only Son to die on the cross for me, for my messy life. I have learned that He loves me and He does have a plan for me. I have also learned that the people He has sent in my life during this time have been there for a reason and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have learned that everybody, everybody deserves to be loved. No matter their race, no matter if they are gay or lesbian, no matter if they are an alcoholic, no matter if they are a hypocrite,no matter what. We owe everyone our love, we weren't made to do this alone and spirituality wasn't made to give us a reason for hate, but to rid us of it. I have learned everyone deserves grace and forgiveness.Everyone has a story, why don't we ask them? I have learned that I have to be me and embrace everything that I believe in and everything I don't. I have to be okay with the fact that people may disagree, even my family. But I have to be true to myself and to others. I have learned that it is a dangerous thing to put boundaries on myself, to the the deepest parts of my being, especially when they are created by others but set by me.
“And through a dark night of the soul, I came to realize that salvation happens through a mysterious, indefinable, relational interaction with Jesus in which we become one with Him. I realized Christian conversion worked more like falling in love than understanding a series of concepts of ideas. This is not to say there are no true ideas, it is only to say there is something else, something beyond.”
I love that quote because I have also learned that it's not about rules, or boundaries, or ideas in the Bible, it's about love, it's about a God who created me, and that is it.
And now I know I have walk away from the person I am in this moment, the person I was yesterday and today, because I was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. And neither were you.
"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
- Donald Miller
Okay, so I know that was long, but I just really needed to get it all out there because there is hope no matter where we are in life. Hope for me and for you.
A little girl, a frilly dress, and a building with a steeple. This is how I grew up, this is all I have ever known. Two loving parents, three loving sisters, all of whom told me there was a loving God. I was placed in this story not by choice, but because that's the way life works. Some are born into good families and some aren't. I was born into a good one, and for that I am thankful, but for eighteen years that's all I have let myself know. Most people that I have met throughout the years know that I am a "Christian", it's a pretty easy label(because that is certainly all it is)to live. No matter how broken, lonely, and confused I felt, I couldn't let people see my pain because I thought I would ruin that label, I feared what people would think of me, I feared dissapointment. The truth is, I was just a girl placed in a loving family, a girl told that there was a God who loved her, but deep inside my heart, I didn't believe it. I participated in all of the girls Bible studies, went to youth group every Wednesday night, listened to the pastor and other respected adults tell me things like, "I was fearfully and wonderfully made", or that "God had a plan for my life", but I just didn't know for sure if that was true and so I searched for something that would take away the pain and make me happy. I didn't find that something, I found an eating disorder which linked to a million other problems in my life and definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I battled this from the age of 13 and until I was 15. There were nights when my heart rate was scary low & my parents didn't know if I would make it through the night, there were fits of rage and anger, there were days that I wanted to hurt myself and some days where I did, there were times when I threatened to kill myself and times I wanted to die. There was one too many hospital visits, counseling and nutrition sessions where I wanted to scream, and people who made stupid comments. But, remember, I come from a "Christian" family, so of course I have a prayin' momma who has prayin' friends who have prayin' friends and eventually I got better and there came a point when I acknowledged the fact that God healed me, I couldn't run from Him the way I had been anymore.
My life changed a lot. I began to seek after this God who healed me and I began to realize my life had a purpose. My heart began to change a lot the few months after being released from all those annoying people who told me what to eat, that tried to analyze my feelings, and who made me step on the scale backwards. I wanted more from life after that, and so in short I left the country to serve the people of Guatemala and bring them hope. I was able to tell them how this Great God took me from my darkest night where I wanted to die to that very day standing in front of them wanting life abundantly. I came back from that trip changed, but things went downhill from there.
I started a new school year and had all of my stories to tell, wore a bra I could actually fill out, and people noticed. But again, they only saw the same girl they knew before the eating disorder, the "good Christian girl" and that label was placed right back on me. I began to realize that I still wasn't truly happy. So, I started to engage in some unhealthy habits that ultimately brought me back to a dark place in my life. I wanted people to accept me more than anything else and though I held on to my morals, I had a lot hidden beyond the surface that nobody saw. I made the descision to go to Ecuador on another mission trip the following summer months before and I didn't realize that by the time I was actually ready to leave the country I would be in the middle of a lot of pain within myself and with others, an inner battle I tried to hide. Ecuador ended up being just what I needed, a few crazy wonderful girls who I met came beside me and said, "We're going to do this together" and to this very day we are just as close in heart as we were the night we all cried until we couldn't cry anymore and let everything go. I came back from that trip hopeful which was a good thing, but still the God who had healed me from my sickness didn't feel quite as present in my life as he did before. I pretended that He was though and I made some descisions based on that lie I was living.
I didn't go back to school my junior year of high school because of some personal things I had going on. I chose instead to take online classes and that was one of the hardest descisions we have had to make as a family, but I was in pain and my parents knew that it was the best-descision. I had in mind that it was going to be easier for me to deal with the pain I was feeling if I was away from the negative influences and challenges I would have to face at school. It didn't quite go the way I wanted it to, in fact the past 7 months(second semester of junior year and summer going into senior year) have been some the worst months of my life and everything has changed.
Bad things started happening, one of my bestfriends 7-year old cousins died of cancer. Young lives in my own community have been taken too early. I have had many struggles of my own to deal with and I have questioned God. My whole view of God has been challenged. I don't care if this God healed me from my eating disorder, how in the world could He allow a 7-year old girl to die from cancer? It's like all of a sudden my eyes were opened to this broken world and my whole life didn't make sense anymore. All of this "Christian" stuff and this "religion" that has been forced upon me, didn't make sense to me anymore. Who was this God that I had grown up with? Why wasn't He answering my prayers and showing up when I needed Him? I didn't understand why He would allow me to feeling so much hoplessness in my heart? Because the truth is, I knew there was a God, without a doubt, I just didn't see His goodness anymore. And I didn't know then what I know now.
I read a quotes by Donald Miller that said, "It's funny how you can't ask difficult questions in a familiar place, how you have to stand back a few feet and see things in a new way before you realize nothing that is happening to you is normal. The trouble with you and me is we are used to what is happening to us. We grew into our lives like a kernel beneath the earth, never able to process the enigma of our composition...Nothing is normal. It is all rather odd, isn't it, our eyes in our heads, our hands with five fingers, the capacity to understand beauty, to feel love, to feel pain."
God has brought me through these past several months because my view of Him was warped and my faith distorted. That quote relates so well to what I have been going through- I couldn't ask the difficult questions about life and this God because I was standing in a familiar place, believing only in the God my family told me to believe in. The past several months have made me step back and see things in a whole new way. I wasn't able to process the 'enigma of my composition' because what I have grown up with is all I have ever allowed myself to know. I never searched beyond what I knew, I never asked those questions until now.
Another quote by Donald Miller says,"Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons." I had to leave. I had to leave my home. I had to leave all that was familiar to my heart and find out for myself. And I did. And I wish I would have a long time ago. I have learned much.
I have learned that religion has nothing to do with God and neither does the word Christian. Both are simply words that have no value and the family you are born into has no ultimate effect of your view of God. I have learned that I am my own, I am free, and I can walk my path with dignity, fearlessly touching the hearts of many just by being me-by stripping myself of every fear, doubt, and label and recklessly searching for more in this life, not letting anyone, even the ones closest to heart, shift my feet. I have learned that it's my story and I'm going to make mistakes, it's not going to be perfect, and sometimes I'm not going to know what to do. I have learned I am going to want things that I can't have and have things that I don't want. I have learned that my view of God was false because I thought that for Him to be good, He wouldn't allow bad things to happen.I have learned that this world that I live in and all of it's evils and pains are NOT a reflection of who my God is. God knows all about suffering, He sent His only Son to die on the cross for me, for my messy life. I have learned that He loves me and He does have a plan for me. I have also learned that the people He has sent in my life during this time have been there for a reason and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have learned that everybody, everybody deserves to be loved. No matter their race, no matter if they are gay or lesbian, no matter if they are an alcoholic, no matter if they are a hypocrite,no matter what. We owe everyone our love, we weren't made to do this alone and spirituality wasn't made to give us a reason for hate, but to rid us of it. I have learned everyone deserves grace and forgiveness.Everyone has a story, why don't we ask them? I have learned that I have to be me and embrace everything that I believe in and everything I don't. I have to be okay with the fact that people may disagree, even my family. But I have to be true to myself and to others. I have learned that it is a dangerous thing to put boundaries on myself, to the the deepest parts of my being, especially when they are created by others but set by me.
“And through a dark night of the soul, I came to realize that salvation happens through a mysterious, indefinable, relational interaction with Jesus in which we become one with Him. I realized Christian conversion worked more like falling in love than understanding a series of concepts of ideas. This is not to say there are no true ideas, it is only to say there is something else, something beyond.”
I love that quote because I have also learned that it's not about rules, or boundaries, or ideas in the Bible, it's about love, it's about a God who created me, and that is it.
And now I know I have walk away from the person I am in this moment, the person I was yesterday and today, because I was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. And neither were you.
"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
- Donald Miller
Okay, so I know that was long, but I just really needed to get it all out there because there is hope no matter where we are in life. Hope for me and for you.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
This is life.
"A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I think one thing I have found to be true is that at any given moment in my life I will never be able to emphatically say that I know who I am. As disconcerting as that may sound, I have found it a rather liberating thought. To me, it's a matter of holding on to the little control I think I have(but really don't) or letting myself go, giving up the fight, and saying "Let it be". I have found it a dangerous place to be when I limit my self worth and purpose of being on whether or not all is as I think it should be. I blindly feed myself lies that trick me into believeing that if I'm experiencing inner battles and demons or questioning God's goodness, than surely I'm not worth much or good enough and these questions I have will never be answered. Let me tell you, I have been in that mindset for a hard several months now and it is a scary place to be, even scarier when you feel stuck. It is so hard to live in a world that is constantly "using" you when you're doing your best to be free. But as hard as it is though, I have been learning that no person, no sickness, no thing, and not one circumstance can pause or stop me from being free because being free isn't being empty of pain, suffering, or the like...being free is breathing my next breath and knowing that I am not finished yet, it is resting in the strange yet comforting truth that who I am in that moment is not who I will always be.
My life, your life, is filled with innumerable moments that are constantly changing the way we view our God, ourselves, and our world. Most people call it change. It's what causes the stars to show themselves to us and what makes the sun rise up from the earth early in the morning. But it's also what caused the little girl to witness her father abusing her mother, her precious little soul warped forever. It's what causes cancer, relaying deep despair within the lives of many. It causes families to fall apart, saying things we don't mean. It causes much compromise in the way each one of us thinks. It's what causes people like me to question God's goodness in my life even after all He has done and all He has given me. It's what causes us to look back on a picture and wonder why the person we see isn't who we see in the mirror now. It's what brings us days of joy and peace and love and then so purposefully steals all that away from us, or so it seems. This is the world behind my eyes. An honest and genuine look at the way I see things, no matter if it's different than the way you see things. This is life. This is me. And all that I know is that it is what it is. There are questions that I won't ever get a satisfying answer to, and that's okay. I am learning that it is okay to be imperfect, to be broken, to have gaps that seem will never be filled. It's okay. It's okay not to know who I am. But I have to hold on to hope, I have to hold on to Jesus even if I'm mad at Him for leaving me behind in a world that I don't understand. I have to. Even when I feel the farthest away from Him like I do now, I have to hold on and trust that He does have a plan for my life even though I can't see it, even though the world around me is fogging my vision.
I know I have a God who loves me more than anything else even though I can't feel that love right now. I have friends and family and relationships that I am so blessed to have. I don't deserve them, none of us deserve any of this. And sometimes we don't want it because it seems there is more evil than good. But we have it and we have to hold onto it. We have to. And one thing I think we should never forget is that no matter how crazy life is, we need to share what little hope we have with others, always doing our best to love one another.
Each one of us is a stranger, we never fully know who we are, we are constantly changing, facing devils we don't understand, we are living and dying, and going day by day like we have it under control. We don't. None of us do. There comes a point when you have to lay your hands down and give up the fight. We can't do this alone. We need eachother and we need hope and love. We need Jesus. ALL of us do. I know I do. So go, be free even with all of your pain and your doubts. Take that next breath and know that who you are now is not who you were yesterday and not who you will be tomorrow.
I think one thing I have found to be true is that at any given moment in my life I will never be able to emphatically say that I know who I am. As disconcerting as that may sound, I have found it a rather liberating thought. To me, it's a matter of holding on to the little control I think I have(but really don't) or letting myself go, giving up the fight, and saying "Let it be". I have found it a dangerous place to be when I limit my self worth and purpose of being on whether or not all is as I think it should be. I blindly feed myself lies that trick me into believeing that if I'm experiencing inner battles and demons or questioning God's goodness, than surely I'm not worth much or good enough and these questions I have will never be answered. Let me tell you, I have been in that mindset for a hard several months now and it is a scary place to be, even scarier when you feel stuck. It is so hard to live in a world that is constantly "using" you when you're doing your best to be free. But as hard as it is though, I have been learning that no person, no sickness, no thing, and not one circumstance can pause or stop me from being free because being free isn't being empty of pain, suffering, or the like...being free is breathing my next breath and knowing that I am not finished yet, it is resting in the strange yet comforting truth that who I am in that moment is not who I will always be.
My life, your life, is filled with innumerable moments that are constantly changing the way we view our God, ourselves, and our world. Most people call it change. It's what causes the stars to show themselves to us and what makes the sun rise up from the earth early in the morning. But it's also what caused the little girl to witness her father abusing her mother, her precious little soul warped forever. It's what causes cancer, relaying deep despair within the lives of many. It causes families to fall apart, saying things we don't mean. It causes much compromise in the way each one of us thinks. It's what causes people like me to question God's goodness in my life even after all He has done and all He has given me. It's what causes us to look back on a picture and wonder why the person we see isn't who we see in the mirror now. It's what brings us days of joy and peace and love and then so purposefully steals all that away from us, or so it seems. This is the world behind my eyes. An honest and genuine look at the way I see things, no matter if it's different than the way you see things. This is life. This is me. And all that I know is that it is what it is. There are questions that I won't ever get a satisfying answer to, and that's okay. I am learning that it is okay to be imperfect, to be broken, to have gaps that seem will never be filled. It's okay. It's okay not to know who I am. But I have to hold on to hope, I have to hold on to Jesus even if I'm mad at Him for leaving me behind in a world that I don't understand. I have to. Even when I feel the farthest away from Him like I do now, I have to hold on and trust that He does have a plan for my life even though I can't see it, even though the world around me is fogging my vision.
I know I have a God who loves me more than anything else even though I can't feel that love right now. I have friends and family and relationships that I am so blessed to have. I don't deserve them, none of us deserve any of this. And sometimes we don't want it because it seems there is more evil than good. But we have it and we have to hold onto it. We have to. And one thing I think we should never forget is that no matter how crazy life is, we need to share what little hope we have with others, always doing our best to love one another.
Each one of us is a stranger, we never fully know who we are, we are constantly changing, facing devils we don't understand, we are living and dying, and going day by day like we have it under control. We don't. None of us do. There comes a point when you have to lay your hands down and give up the fight. We can't do this alone. We need eachother and we need hope and love. We need Jesus. ALL of us do. I know I do. So go, be free even with all of your pain and your doubts. Take that next breath and know that who you are now is not who you were yesterday and not who you will be tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I Don't Care What You Think Of Me.
I was talking to mom about life a few weeks ago. Actually, it was probably more like fighting with her, I tend to be an untamed creature at times. Our fighting is usually over the little things that I can't seem to understand matter to her so much and then there are the times when it's a living hell in my house because some of the things that are little to me are like mountains to her. At my house, when it rains, I usually make it pour. I keep my deepest feelings about life inside of me most of the time and so when I get angry with her, a whole vat of irrelevant emotions spring forth from within. Eventually my stubborness and strong will both cave in and it turns out to be a pretty rational conversation-It may take a few hours.Or days.Or weeks. But we get there. And when we do get there, it's usually a positive thing because we get to the root of my anger and are better able to talk about it. And even still, I may or may not get verrry worked up seeing as to how I get in these moods where I get soooooooooooooo freakin' frustrated with this world I live in...
...And that's really what this post is about, this world that we live in. I kind of go off on a tangent quite frequently, you'll have to forgive me.
Buttt when we were finally talking, I told her, "I'm NOT like my sisters or like anybody else, I am different!"
...and to that she said, "I know you're not Lahni, you have been screaming that since you came out."
& I guess she's right.
I have been through a lot of pain in my past. I became a statistic of the eating disorder world, thankful I'm now a part of a statistic for the ones who recover. The end of middle school and the beginning of high school I really struggled with this & the thing is that most people just saw me and freaked out because all the life was sucked out from me & I was a skeleton. But you don't choose an eating disorder, it chooses you. It controls you and behind it all lies a much bigger disease than anyone from the outside knows. I was a very unhappy inside & had a lot of inward demons I was facing. I looked to others for acceptance and didn't allow myself to be free. I am no longer bound to the chains of anorexia and bulimia, but even after recovering, I still dealt with self hatred, several past relationships and things I never should of allowed myself to be involved with factored into this. This past year I left public school because of a lot of personal things I was dealing with and from this past year I have changed so much and have learned some of the most valuable lessons I have yet to learn, especially in the last few months.
1) I have learned that no matter where you are, school or home, people gonna hate. As of very recently this stands ever true. She hates me, she tells people she hates me, she just hates.
2) But I have also learned that I can't let myself become bitter towards her even though she pisses me off more than I should probably say on here...i don't know what she's dealing with, maybe she just hates, but maybe just maybe behind her 95 pound hatred lies something bigger than I can see.
3)I have learned that it's her hatred, not mine & that I'm allowed to be happy and free & I don't have to care what she thinks of me.
4) I have learned that the only thing that will ever make my heart truly free is if I use it as it was created to be used & that is solely for loving myself & others no matter how hard it can be.
One of my best friends and I were talking about death, resonating it with the recent loss of a woman in our community who committed suicide & we were talking about how we don't know what she was going through, we just don't. We don't know a lot of things that some people deal with simply because we look at them from the outside, instead of extending love and reaching for what's on the inside. Going through my own 'secret pains' in the past has made me really open my eyes to others. Maybe if more people would have taken notice of something more than the fact that my hip bones were sticking out and I could barely fill out a bra(which is still not the easiest thing=D), maybe it would have made getting through it a little easier. Maybe I can be that for someone else. Maybe you can. I just get so frustrated that people are so mean to eachother and their hearts are full of hate. I don't understand this life completely, all I know is that it just takes a little love.
Everyone has a story, sometimes it's just covered up by a lot of hate & anger. I'm learning to look past all of that, and while I'm not perfect, I do know that love always wins.
I'm learning it's okay to be me with all my dreams and passions and hopes and fears & hold on to them tightly. I'm learning it's okay to be different in a world where different is the minority.
I'm learning that I don't have to care what others think of me.I'm free to fly.
& you are too.
Friday, March 30, 2012
92 days Kensi.
In 92 days your name is going to be a mouthful. Kensi Duszynski. And while I personally think it has a nice ring to it, you need to realize that you are getting yourself into a lifetime of bliss... and name butchering. But the heart wants what the hearts wants and with a man like Evan and a heart like yours, I know you're going to take just about any string attached.
92 days Kensi. 92 days of "single lady" freedom, that's all you have left. Maaann that would freak me out. So here's some advice from your seventeen year old sister...enjoy every one of them because as soon as you say "I Do", Santa Clause will rejoice in making one less stop(JUST KIDDING).
Girl, you have nothing to worry about. 23 years are behind you and I was there for 17 of them and I know you have so much to bring with you into this next chapter of your life. Sister, you are so beautiful from the inside out and behold an unwavering glow that nothing in this life could destroy, but only make stronger. Watching you as a young girl I was enchanted by you, I thought you were the coolest person ever and you were my sister, what? And though we have had are many fallouts, some even in the past few years, nothing alters the way I percieve you, your heart just keeps getting bigger and bigger and it has been such a blessing to grow up with an older sister like you and watch you grow into a woman who holds fast to all your graces and inspiring qualities. And not only have you taught me and showed me important lessons, some without even saying a word, you planted a love for Hanson in the depths of my heart that my friends simply do not understand.
I remember when I was a little girl, every boy you came home with I thought was the one you were going to marry and so when it didn't work out I cried my little heart out. I'm not sure if I was genuinely sad for you or if I was sad my predictions were wrong, all I know is that I cried. And I remember watching out the window to see if whoever it was "opened the door for you" because that was so important to me and I may have wanted to see if there was any lip action. And my behavior cannot be condemned because mom and dad and the girls were one window down. Eventually you moved away to college so there was no need to look out the windows anymore and eventually I learned to stop poking my head around in the Lord's affairs concerning your love life. Kensi, I am so happy that you are happy and it has been a joy to watch yours and Evans story unfold throughout the years. I hope this next chapter in your life brings you just as much and even more joy than the last one. I can't wait to see what is in store for you all!
Now all you have to do is aim the bouquet in my direction and hope that I catch it... just because I am the youngest doesn't mean I'm going to be the last, I simply refuse it.
I LOVE YOU,
Lahni Blair
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Bravely wrap your arms around all of it.
Life is simply crazy, one big vat of unanswerable questions. And then there are those hearts that make my own beat a little stronger. I don't understand why some hearts decide to grace my path and choose to stay there, right beside me through it all, and so I mostly just stand in awe thankful that they do. The ones who are always there for me, the ones who I don't see very often yet still know me like we see eachother every day, that don't care if crying is all the talking I can do, who teach me new things about myself, who let me be Lahni(which entails some craziness), who love me unconditionally, and who add a little more meaning to the word life. The ones who do Chinese fire drills with me at every red light, who stick their heads out the car window with me and sing at the top of their lungs, who listen to my "slightly strange" music with the volume to the max and the windows down, who will get out of the car with me and have dance offs in the middle of a semi-empty parking lot at night, who will talk with me for hours and never run out of things to say, who dance with me to Jai-Ho while I'm driving and then get reasonably mad at me for almost rear-ending the car in front of us, who will belt out some Celine Dion to the world of Cynthiana with me, who camp-out with me in antartic temperatures and don't get mad at me when I go inside, and the ones who are always adding a new adventure to my life.
Then come the hope filled wonders of this life like my sister getting married to her love this summer. Like the elderly woman at the grocery store the other day who told me she got married at 16 and was still married, that is a beautiful thing I hope I can say one day(except the 16 part, I'm already past that now. But 17 is a good age,right? Haha, just kidding). A kiss or a hug that lifts you off your feet, those are the best. The sun shining and long drives down windy country roads, just me, my thoughts, the music and beauty all around me, there's nothing better.
Our Lives are all about dreaming and reaching. I have so many dreams that I want to reach and most of them are on this bucket list I created. Most of those items can be wrapped up into one word and that word is happiness. My friends and I were sitting in a parking lot in my car the other night having a "question circle" together and a few of us were asked, "If we could have one thing, what would it be"? I shouldn't have been suprised that all three of our answers were "to be happy", because it's so natural for all of us to want that. It's what we are constantly and fervently trying to attain at all costs. My "happy" lies within the things that bring me joy today but also the things I know will bring me joy in the future like falling in love with a man that I will love fiercely all the days of life. Things like adopting a precious child and creating a beautiful family with the man my heart will one day belong to. Mostly I just want life and I don't want Mr. Webster's definition. Life isn't a quality, but a mystery we all have to step inside and choose to embrace. In this never ending quest for the fullest, most beautiful life possible, I am realizing that life is messy and scary and amazing, and that you have to bravely wrap your arms around all of it.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Real men don't rape.
Jayce Duggard, the girl who was kidnapped as a small girl and then raped as a teenager multiple times, she is the "picture" of rape I grew up with. The sick mid-aged man who has a fetish over teen-age girls and shoves them into the back of his truck, he is what I used to label as a rapist. But as I have gotten older, life has forced me to see reality and the reality of it is that rapists can also look like this:
- 2/3 of rapes were completed by someone who knew the victim.
- 73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger.
- 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
- None of these numbers really shout "creepy old guy staring you down", but much more "boyfriend you thought you could trust".
Sunday, February 12, 2012
This building we call a church.
***NOTE TO MY READERS: This post highly reflects my oppinion of this building I, we, and you call a church. Be aware that you may not like what I have to say(especially if you go to CFCOG), but also be aware that I do not care what you think of me after you read this.(People, I went to the grocery store last night in weather inappropriate clothing and listened to my music EXTREMELY loud with the windows down while an elder from my church was in the driving lane next to me, I simply do not care what others think of me). This is something that has been bothering me and so I'm blogging about it, because this is my little corner of the web and I'm allowed to write to my heart's content.***
We sang a song at church this morning and it was but one line that shook me up and left me feeling a bit off balance. We were all sitting(yes sitting there, we didn't even stand once to sing today)in our normal "spots" in the sanctuary, always making it easy to see who is and who isn't there of course, but that's really besides the point, right?, because we were all just sitting there within the comforts of our friends and families half-heartedly(or at least I know I was)uttering in a melodious tune "The suffering children are safe in the Father's arms". Oh, really? Are they? Are they safe in the Father's arms?, well only naturally, but in all reality we are the Father's arms, the hands and feet of God. If the suffering children really are safe, why aren't they within the walls of this building we call our church each Sunday? Tell me that, because I am not okay with this at all. While I'm getting up each Sunday spending way too much time on my appearance when I should be focusing more on preparing my heart, and singing songs that say "The suffering children are in the Father's arms"...while I'm doing all of that, there are suffering children right outside the doors of this building we call a church that I feel quite certain don't feel safe in the Father's arms. And yet I can stand(or sit)there Sunday after Sunday perfectly aware of what is beyond all of the music and still be completely unmoved by this startling reality. Jesus, break my heart until it moves my hands and feet.
It makes me feel uneasy that this building I've called "church" for as long as I can remember only holds memories from my earliest years of VBS up to the present years of youth group games of "Sardines". I've pretty much grown up with the same familiar faces every Sunday since I was a small child, of course some have disappeared along the way and some have been added as well. And don't get me wrong, all of the new faces that have accumulated over the years, they are all such blessings! But what bothers me is that when they came to our church they were already believers, they were already safe in the Father's arms, our arms...I don't have very many memories at all of "suffering children" finding safety in the Father's arms...finding safety in this building we call a church.( Now, before I continue rambling on about all of this, let me set one thing straight...the "suffering children" in my mind are not limited to just being children, "suffering children" are ALL the people who are suffering and go day after day without knowing what true love is because "The Church" is inside the building singing things like "The suffering are safe in the Father's arms". and This building we call a church, it is just a building. The people within this building, they are the church and they're obviously not doing something right, I'm not doing something right.
It bothers me that the bathrooms in our church just got re-applianced(not really sure if that's a word)not too long ago, but the mother down the street doesn't have enough money to buy her children food or clothes. Deuteronomy 14:27 says,(In the passage about tithing) "And do not forget the Levites living in your towns, for they have no allotment or inheritance of their own". And then it goes on from there talking about bringing your tithes(in this specific time period the tithes were ten percent of the produce from your field or produce exchanged for silver) into your towns and verse 29 says, "...so that the Levites(who have no allotment or inheritance of their own) and the aliens, the fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands". Not sure that God is too concerned with the toilets at our church as much as He is about that mother down the street that might one day be able to use our bathrooms if we only reached out to her. And I'm not saying that fixing something is necessarily a bad thing and I'm not saying that our church doesn't reach out...All I'm saying is that we should at least be thinking about the mother first and more often rather than first thinking about what needs to be "fixed or updated". And whenever we pray for our tithes and offerings, I have heard the prayer offered up as "......to further your Kingdom"...I believe the day our giving budget outweighs our spending budget, that will be the day the church actually becomes "The Church". I'm part of the church too, so it weighs just as heavy on my shoulders as it does yours. I'm not perfect, I'm 17 and I'm not always faithful in my tithing as I should be. But what if I decided to step outside the walls of our church and lay my heart and money into the hands of a needy stranger instead of the red velvet lined offering plate? Let me tell you what would happen, I would feel more comfortable doing that.
This building we call a church, it is nothing but a building dressed up with a cross on top to make people feel like they have a sense of purpose and safety...and that is all. The people within the building.. that is the actual "Church", it is within the hearts and lives of others that we actually have purpose and safety. We question why the congregation isn't growing, isn't changing, and isn't improving...It's like we expect the pretty cross on the steeple to magically draw people in. The building can't up and leave and reach out to others, but the people within the church can, but only if we stop singing songs like "The suffering are in the Father's arms" because the harsh reality is those "suffering children" who are supposedly in "The Father's arms" are dying, being abused, witnessing horrible things, starving, turning to prostitution and drugs, and going one more day without the love that each one of us holds within our hearts because we won't extend our lives out to them.
I think it's time to step outside of the doors...even if just opening the doors is the first step. It's time to leave our own shoes and coats at the alter rather than aimlessly sending up prayers and seeking answers on how to provide for others. We are so blessed, but we are so very blind. I know I am.
We sang a song at church this morning and it was but one line that shook me up and left me feeling a bit off balance. We were all sitting(yes sitting there, we didn't even stand once to sing today)in our normal "spots" in the sanctuary, always making it easy to see who is and who isn't there of course, but that's really besides the point, right?, because we were all just sitting there within the comforts of our friends and families half-heartedly(or at least I know I was)uttering in a melodious tune "The suffering children are safe in the Father's arms". Oh, really? Are they? Are they safe in the Father's arms?, well only naturally, but in all reality we are the Father's arms, the hands and feet of God. If the suffering children really are safe, why aren't they within the walls of this building we call our church each Sunday? Tell me that, because I am not okay with this at all. While I'm getting up each Sunday spending way too much time on my appearance when I should be focusing more on preparing my heart, and singing songs that say "The suffering children are in the Father's arms"...while I'm doing all of that, there are suffering children right outside the doors of this building we call a church that I feel quite certain don't feel safe in the Father's arms. And yet I can stand(or sit)there Sunday after Sunday perfectly aware of what is beyond all of the music and still be completely unmoved by this startling reality. Jesus, break my heart until it moves my hands and feet.
It makes me feel uneasy that this building I've called "church" for as long as I can remember only holds memories from my earliest years of VBS up to the present years of youth group games of "Sardines". I've pretty much grown up with the same familiar faces every Sunday since I was a small child, of course some have disappeared along the way and some have been added as well. And don't get me wrong, all of the new faces that have accumulated over the years, they are all such blessings! But what bothers me is that when they came to our church they were already believers, they were already safe in the Father's arms, our arms...I don't have very many memories at all of "suffering children" finding safety in the Father's arms...finding safety in this building we call a church.( Now, before I continue rambling on about all of this, let me set one thing straight...the "suffering children" in my mind are not limited to just being children, "suffering children" are ALL the people who are suffering and go day after day without knowing what true love is because "The Church" is inside the building singing things like "The suffering are safe in the Father's arms". and This building we call a church, it is just a building. The people within this building, they are the church and they're obviously not doing something right, I'm not doing something right.
It bothers me that the bathrooms in our church just got re-applianced(not really sure if that's a word)not too long ago, but the mother down the street doesn't have enough money to buy her children food or clothes. Deuteronomy 14:27 says,(In the passage about tithing) "And do not forget the Levites living in your towns, for they have no allotment or inheritance of their own". And then it goes on from there talking about bringing your tithes(in this specific time period the tithes were ten percent of the produce from your field or produce exchanged for silver) into your towns and verse 29 says, "...so that the Levites(who have no allotment or inheritance of their own) and the aliens, the fatherless and the widows who live in your towns may come and eat and be satisfied, and so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands". Not sure that God is too concerned with the toilets at our church as much as He is about that mother down the street that might one day be able to use our bathrooms if we only reached out to her. And I'm not saying that fixing something is necessarily a bad thing and I'm not saying that our church doesn't reach out...All I'm saying is that we should at least be thinking about the mother first and more often rather than first thinking about what needs to be "fixed or updated". And whenever we pray for our tithes and offerings, I have heard the prayer offered up as "......to further your Kingdom"...I believe the day our giving budget outweighs our spending budget, that will be the day the church actually becomes "The Church". I'm part of the church too, so it weighs just as heavy on my shoulders as it does yours. I'm not perfect, I'm 17 and I'm not always faithful in my tithing as I should be. But what if I decided to step outside the walls of our church and lay my heart and money into the hands of a needy stranger instead of the red velvet lined offering plate? Let me tell you what would happen, I would feel more comfortable doing that.
This building we call a church, it is nothing but a building dressed up with a cross on top to make people feel like they have a sense of purpose and safety...and that is all. The people within the building.. that is the actual "Church", it is within the hearts and lives of others that we actually have purpose and safety. We question why the congregation isn't growing, isn't changing, and isn't improving...It's like we expect the pretty cross on the steeple to magically draw people in. The building can't up and leave and reach out to others, but the people within the church can, but only if we stop singing songs like "The suffering are in the Father's arms" because the harsh reality is those "suffering children" who are supposedly in "The Father's arms" are dying, being abused, witnessing horrible things, starving, turning to prostitution and drugs, and going one more day without the love that each one of us holds within our hearts because we won't extend our lives out to them.
I think it's time to step outside of the doors...even if just opening the doors is the first step. It's time to leave our own shoes and coats at the alter rather than aimlessly sending up prayers and seeking answers on how to provide for others. We are so blessed, but we are so very blind. I know I am.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Before I die...do everything on my bucket list.
Before I die...
I want to finish an entire coloring book.*I want to become YouTube famous.*Write and publish at least one book.*Get a small tatoo that means a lot.*Kiss at the top of a ferris wheel.*Make a wish at the trevi fountain in Rome(and while I'm at it, I might as well go for a swim).*I want to sleep under the stars and go skinny dipping *again*...because let me tell you, it is quite exhilerating and one time is certainly not enough for one lifetime.*I want to order dessert first at a restaurant.*Learn fluent sign language(One time this lady came through my grocery line and signed thank-you and I'm pretty sure my "your-welcome" was somewhat equivalent to the catholic hand thing they do before eating a meal...I never saw her again).*Make a cross country road trip(Mads, I'm so making this a trip to your house!!!).*Adopt a precious life.*Find the perfect wedding dress and a pair of perfect jeans would be nice too.*Learn a crazy complicated song on the piano.*Write my own song on the piano.*Stand under the Hollywood sign.*Ride a gondola.*Take someone else's drink at Starbuck's on purpose.*Take a homeless person out to dinner.*Master a British Accent.*Write something meaningful in wet cement.*Spend an entire day watching Disney movies.*Buy all of the gumballs out of a machine(even though I hate gum...I just think this would be really wonderful).*Change someone's life.*Go cliff jumping.*Witness a birth.*I want to open a small artsy coffee shop...the coffee might taste terrible because I know nothing about coffee except the fact that it is soincredibly good and that Starbuck's is the cause of my addiction...But none of that would matter because the atmosphere would be cozy and create the perfect setting for many special relationships and bonds to be formed, which is more important anyway and would make me happy...let me dream.*I want to build a blanket fort with someone I love.*Live to meet my children's children.*Say "I Do".*Lay down in a field of daisies.*Watch fireworks while swimming in the ocean.*Have my own star in the sky.*Carve my name into a tree.*Attend a masquerade.*Kiss in the rain.*Have someone win me a giant stuffed animal...I know, how cliche, right?*I want to cross a really scary rope bridge in the jungle.*I want to take cute kissing pictures in one of those photobooth thingies.*Have someone make me breakfast in bed.*Send a message in a bottle.*See a famous ballet.*Get ice-cream from an ice-cream truck(my mother never allowed such a luxury)*I want to ride in a hot air balloon.*Shoot a gun.*Run a marathon for a cause I'm passionate about.*Insert innapropriate bucket list item here.*Save a life.*Have an 11:11 wish come true.*Make a quilt.*Sing at a karaoke bar.*Hike a mountain.*Visit women from different cultures and learn from them.*Grow a garden and from it eat my own food.*Dance in the streets of a foriegn land.*Learn to listen more actively, paitently, and compassionately.*Sleep on an overnight train.*Forgive more.*Stop apologizing unnecessarily.*Have beautiful children with someone I love.*Create my own family traditions.*Renew my wedding vow's at my 10 year anniversary.*Wash someone's feet like Jesus did.*Cook an entire Thanksgiving meal from scratch.*Mud wrestle.*Love someone fiercely and passionately and grow old with them.*Witness an eclipse.*Learn to salsa dance.*Take a bike tour through wine country.*Go hunting(seriously, I live in Kentucky).*Go horseback riding along the beach.*Learn how to ballroom dance.*Ride a mechanical bull.*Go Zorbing(rolling downhill inside an inflatable ball).*Create a home with an inviting, joyous, comfortable, loving atmosphere.*Have a cozy small house with a breakfast nook.*Have fruit trees in my yard.*Be a spectator at the Sundance film festival.*Conquer my fear of putting the freakin' worm on the hook.*
Hellen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all". I think she was right.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Love Comes.
"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully, when you dare to be vulnerable. To love at all is to be vulnerable. ~ C.S. Lewis
Okay. So first of all, I think we can all agree that C.S. Lewis was an insanely incredible man. His unique views and rare takes on life always leave me challenging my own thoughts and perceptions on this strange world. I am indeed a strong advocate for this man and think that everyone sometime in their life should read at least one C.S. Lewis book. Man, to have a mind like his..........
One could easily assume that the quote above is talking about two lovers, and while I don't disagree with that, I certainly don't think that two lovers is all this quote is limited to. I see so much more within those three sentences. I see myself and my daily struggle of loving people with genuine intention. Loving people is hard sometimes and there are definitely people that are hard to love. It's something that I triumph in and it's something that I fail in, much more the latter unfortunately. But I try, because I believe everyone deserves love.
My deepest desire is that my love be REAL & GENUINE, reaching out to the ones who are walking along side me, and just as important, the ones who are not. This is never an easy standard for me to live up to though because I have been instilled with fear each time someone has not accepted my love. I have learned that loving passionately doesn't always mean that you will be passionately loved back and that is a hard thing. C.S. Lewis challenges us with the idea that love will come when we focus more on reaching out to someone simply because they deserve it, rather than focusing on their reactions (good or bad) towards us after extending our hearts to them. He thrives on the idea that love will come when we choose to take the risk of truly revealing our hearts to someone even if it means that we will experience hurt. He even suggests that we should be okay with this, this reality that we may get hurt. But he reveals to us that through all of this love will come...
..And I think he is right, love will come. Reflecting on the past brings me to this realization that LOVE COMES, always. I know that when I have loved out of the deepest part of my heart, a C.S. Lewis kind of love, I am always blessed from it even if the person on the recieveing end isn't or doesn't seem to show it. Loving people, though it can be very challenging sometimes, brings joy to my heart. It doesn't matter that I don't always feel loved in return, and though that can be hard sometimes, I can only hope that I had a positive influence in someone's life, even if for a moment. People do come around, it can take time, but sometimes there are stories of redemption, and that's what keeps me going. Everyone deserves to love and be loved and if by God's love He continues to give me the strength to keep on loving out of a genuine place, I will...because love comes, it truly does come.
Okay. So first of all, I think we can all agree that C.S. Lewis was an insanely incredible man. His unique views and rare takes on life always leave me challenging my own thoughts and perceptions on this strange world. I am indeed a strong advocate for this man and think that everyone sometime in their life should read at least one C.S. Lewis book. Man, to have a mind like his..........
One could easily assume that the quote above is talking about two lovers, and while I don't disagree with that, I certainly don't think that two lovers is all this quote is limited to. I see so much more within those three sentences. I see myself and my daily struggle of loving people with genuine intention. Loving people is hard sometimes and there are definitely people that are hard to love. It's something that I triumph in and it's something that I fail in, much more the latter unfortunately. But I try, because I believe everyone deserves love.
My deepest desire is that my love be REAL & GENUINE, reaching out to the ones who are walking along side me, and just as important, the ones who are not. This is never an easy standard for me to live up to though because I have been instilled with fear each time someone has not accepted my love. I have learned that loving passionately doesn't always mean that you will be passionately loved back and that is a hard thing. C.S. Lewis challenges us with the idea that love will come when we focus more on reaching out to someone simply because they deserve it, rather than focusing on their reactions (good or bad) towards us after extending our hearts to them. He thrives on the idea that love will come when we choose to take the risk of truly revealing our hearts to someone even if it means that we will experience hurt. He even suggests that we should be okay with this, this reality that we may get hurt. But he reveals to us that through all of this love will come...
..And I think he is right, love will come. Reflecting on the past brings me to this realization that LOVE COMES, always. I know that when I have loved out of the deepest part of my heart, a C.S. Lewis kind of love, I am always blessed from it even if the person on the recieveing end isn't or doesn't seem to show it. Loving people, though it can be very challenging sometimes, brings joy to my heart. It doesn't matter that I don't always feel loved in return, and though that can be hard sometimes, I can only hope that I had a positive influence in someone's life, even if for a moment. People do come around, it can take time, but sometimes there are stories of redemption, and that's what keeps me going. Everyone deserves to love and be loved and if by God's love He continues to give me the strength to keep on loving out of a genuine place, I will...because love comes, it truly does come.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I stumbled upon beautiful.
I stumbled upon beautiful the other day. Actually, I've been stumbling over beautiful a lot lately. The strange thing though is that it hasn't looked like the beautiful I've blindly come to accept in the past. It didn't look like the irrepressibly-thin model spread out on the page of that magazine. Nor did it look like Taylor Lautner in the latest movie of The Twilight Saga. And it didn't look like the girl walking out of the gym whose hair is still perfectly in place after an hour run or the guy who looks and smells like he just walked off a poster hanging in Hollister. It hasn't looked like any of this--the beautiful I'm used to obsessing over.
The father at church Sunday morning sharing his weaknesses and struggles in front of the entire church, completely unveiling himself to us and wanting to move forward. I stumbled upon beautiful. The elderly man at my boyfriend's church who asked for prayer & then poured out his heart before the Lord with tears rolling down his face. I stumbled upon beautiful. My friend who has experienced pain in such a deep way in her young life, yet still looks heavenward with a secure hope in her heart. I stumbled upon beautiful. The sweet little girl Sunday morning who sings to God at such a young and innocent age. I stumbled upon beautiful.
And that is what it looked liked. People who have endured so much in their lives and are willing to be imperfect, being REAL AND TRANSPARENT with themselves and those around them. They don't try and act like they have it all together and they don't hide behind a mask. Because this dehumanizing act of pretending we are perfect when we are not, what is so beautiful about this? And I am one of them, striving for an "unrealistic beautiful" has dominated a number of my days that I am not proud of. But God is patient with me and everyday He is opening my eyes to what he sees as beautiful...And I know he sees beautiful in their lives. They are the ones who show me beautiful, they remind me and for that I am thankful.
I think this quote sums up what I am trying to say...
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
The father at church Sunday morning sharing his weaknesses and struggles in front of the entire church, completely unveiling himself to us and wanting to move forward. I stumbled upon beautiful. The elderly man at my boyfriend's church who asked for prayer & then poured out his heart before the Lord with tears rolling down his face. I stumbled upon beautiful. My friend who has experienced pain in such a deep way in her young life, yet still looks heavenward with a secure hope in her heart. I stumbled upon beautiful. The sweet little girl Sunday morning who sings to God at such a young and innocent age. I stumbled upon beautiful.
And that is what it looked liked. People who have endured so much in their lives and are willing to be imperfect, being REAL AND TRANSPARENT with themselves and those around them. They don't try and act like they have it all together and they don't hide behind a mask. Because this dehumanizing act of pretending we are perfect when we are not, what is so beautiful about this? And I am one of them, striving for an "unrealistic beautiful" has dominated a number of my days that I am not proud of. But God is patient with me and everyday He is opening my eyes to what he sees as beautiful...And I know he sees beautiful in their lives. They are the ones who show me beautiful, they remind me and for that I am thankful.
I think this quote sums up what I am trying to say...
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
For.The.Greater.
"Remember it is because He loves us that He waits. Immediate intervention would abort the far greater thing He has in mind. Trust Him for the greater ."~Elisabeth Elliot
I am a quote-a-holic. Actually, that four word statement(that is of course assuming quote-a-holic is one word) is probably much too vague when describing me. I'm more of a hastobethegreatestquoteever-a-holic, because it's true, I refuse to besiege one's mind with quotes like, "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"(I mean most people that have ever read that quote don't even play sports, so it's really not even relevant to their lives, ya know?). The kind of quotes I love finding(...of course finding them by total accident, because what kind of loser spends precious time on Pinterest searching for great quotes??haha--*I'm working on it*) , it has to really spark some thought and insight on my part or I don't look twice( my theory is if it's really hard to understand, more than likely someone like Gandhi wrote it--not someone out on the field playing a a game of baseball--by the way I'm definitely just kidding, I'm sure there are plenty of great baseball/sport players out there whose minds are just as intelligent as any philosopher out there:D). Anywayyyys, my point really is that the quote above by Elisabeth Elliot has made my list of quotes & that says a lot.
On a more serious note...
This quote definitely sparked the thought and insight I enjoy challenging myself with. How does this quote apply to my life? How does it make a difference to me now that I have read it rather than if I had never stumbled upon it today? (Which just in case you were wondering, I really did JUST stumble upon it...I promise there was no Pinterest involved this time:D) After reading this quote a few times, all I could think of is how very fast time is going by. And it is. At a rate that I can't wrap my mind around and it kind of scares me. In almost exactly 4 months, I will have completed my junior year of high school and will be about to embark upon a summer of many changes. It will be the last summer before I graduate, it will be the summer my sister gets married, it will be the summer before my best friend goes off to college, no longer being able to see her practically everyday like I have been for the past 10 years. It will be a summer of traveling and serving and loving, but it's going to be a hard one. When did this happen? When did I start running out of time? When did I start growing up and start fearing the future? Because that is what's happening or at least has been until recently. I have grown up my whole life hearing "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", but lately I have been so blind to that. I have been fearful because it feels like time is running out and I don't know what HIS plans are yet. I don't know what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go. I try to figure all of this out and yet still I end up in the same moment I was when I started out...
Last night, I pulled out an old box from underneath my bed & in it held 2 letters written by my 15 year-old self. Letters about my life at the time, struggles I was dealing with & joys that I had almost forgotten about. Reading them last night, almost 3 years later, it brought me to tears. I was so overwhelmed with what I was looking at on those pieces of notebook paper, and thinking about how far I have come since then was really bittersweet. But in that same moment, I was filled with hope for the future because in between the date written on those envelopes and the date on the screen of my phone lying there on the floor last night..in between it all lay 3 years of spells of waiting and outcomes of true greatness that have brought me to today. Last night, I was reminded that waiting doesn't mean you won't ever find or figure something out, it just means that something greater will come. Last night and then reading that quote today was such a needed reminder in my life. I am excited to see what the future holds, I am trusting Him for the greater.
I am a quote-a-holic. Actually, that four word statement(that is of course assuming quote-a-holic is one word) is probably much too vague when describing me. I'm more of a hastobethegreatestquoteever-a-holic, because it's true, I refuse to besiege one's mind with quotes like, "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"(I mean most people that have ever read that quote don't even play sports, so it's really not even relevant to their lives, ya know?). The kind of quotes I love finding(...of course finding them by total accident, because what kind of loser spends precious time on Pinterest searching for great quotes??haha--*I'm working on it*) , it has to really spark some thought and insight on my part or I don't look twice( my theory is if it's really hard to understand, more than likely someone like Gandhi wrote it--not someone out on the field playing a a game of baseball--by the way I'm definitely just kidding, I'm sure there are plenty of great baseball/sport players out there whose minds are just as intelligent as any philosopher out there:D). Anywayyyys, my point really is that the quote above by Elisabeth Elliot has made my list of quotes & that says a lot.
On a more serious note...
This quote definitely sparked the thought and insight I enjoy challenging myself with. How does this quote apply to my life? How does it make a difference to me now that I have read it rather than if I had never stumbled upon it today? (Which just in case you were wondering, I really did JUST stumble upon it...I promise there was no Pinterest involved this time:D) After reading this quote a few times, all I could think of is how very fast time is going by. And it is. At a rate that I can't wrap my mind around and it kind of scares me. In almost exactly 4 months, I will have completed my junior year of high school and will be about to embark upon a summer of many changes. It will be the last summer before I graduate, it will be the summer my sister gets married, it will be the summer before my best friend goes off to college, no longer being able to see her practically everyday like I have been for the past 10 years. It will be a summer of traveling and serving and loving, but it's going to be a hard one. When did this happen? When did I start running out of time? When did I start growing up and start fearing the future? Because that is what's happening or at least has been until recently. I have grown up my whole life hearing "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", but lately I have been so blind to that. I have been fearful because it feels like time is running out and I don't know what HIS plans are yet. I don't know what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go. I try to figure all of this out and yet still I end up in the same moment I was when I started out...
Last night, I pulled out an old box from underneath my bed & in it held 2 letters written by my 15 year-old self. Letters about my life at the time, struggles I was dealing with & joys that I had almost forgotten about. Reading them last night, almost 3 years later, it brought me to tears. I was so overwhelmed with what I was looking at on those pieces of notebook paper, and thinking about how far I have come since then was really bittersweet. But in that same moment, I was filled with hope for the future because in between the date written on those envelopes and the date on the screen of my phone lying there on the floor last night..in between it all lay 3 years of spells of waiting and outcomes of true greatness that have brought me to today. Last night, I was reminded that waiting doesn't mean you won't ever find or figure something out, it just means that something greater will come. Last night and then reading that quote today was such a needed reminder in my life. I am excited to see what the future holds, I am trusting Him for the greater.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Leave It All Behind & Embrace.
Tonight is not about reflecting on 2011. Of course I'll always keep the beauty tucked away within my heart and the scars just visible enough to remind me of what has made me stronger, but ultimately tonight is about embracing 2012. This morning I woke up after a long night spent with friends and family who all had the same longing as myself--hope for the year to come. Nine O' Clock came much too early for this night owl and to be quite honest rolling out of bed for church didn't seem all too appealing in that moment. Despite the way I felt and after hitting the snooze button a few more times( because let me tell you, 10 minutes longer does make ALL the difference), I finally surrendered the warmth and security of my cozy bed, decided that wearing my purple dress and brown boots would make it all worth it, and got ready in 30 minutes(which by the way is a milestone for me because it usually takes me twice as much time). I hopped in my car just like any other Sunday, rolled the windows down, turned David Crowder up to the max volume, ran the same stop sign I always do and wondered why I decided to go. I felt no different than I had the day before, what was the point? Today I woke up and made a decision, a decision to do something even though I didn't want to---and, seriously turned out to be the best decision I've made all year(literally:D). I was beyond blessed by this morning's church service. The message gently touched my heart and the challenge to leave it all behind had me on my knees at the alter surrounded by other precious lives that decided to take on this same challenge. The song playing in the backround spoke such powerful words and I know God brought healing to each of our hearts in just the right places. It was such a beautiful moment...
Today I walked out of the same doors of the same church I have walked out of every Sunday for the past 365 days. Today I found myself back to day 1 and walking out of those doors was different--a good different. And so that is what this new year is about, it is about the differences and beautiful moments in life. It is about waking up and doing things that we don't want to do, yet maybe those things will be just the things we were meant to do and that make all the difference in our lives. It is about stepping outside of our comfort zones and risking everything we are to live passionately, and not just for ourselves, but for others. This year is about taking a step back and realizing that happiness does indeed lie within ourselves, but that that same happiness doesn't change a thing in our lives until it is shared with others, until it makes a difference in someone else's life. This year is about loving more no matter how hard it may be, laughing longer, opening our hearts up without reserves, letting people in no matter how scared we are, and embracing--embracing this crazy beautiful life. This year is about time. It is about taking it day by day and accepting the fact that life is short and fragile and that we aren't promised a tomorrow. This year is about counting our blessings and realizing that someone out there tonight has no hope and will continue for the next 364 days without hope unless we add others to our list of resolutions this year.
I believe in living and loving unequivocally. I believe that that driving with the volume up and the windows down(even if it messes up your hair) is totally worth it. I believe keeping Christmas lights strung up from your ceilng year round is perfectly acceptable. I believe camping out in your backyard with your bestfriends is the only way to spend summer nights. I believe in dancing until you can't dance anymore. I believe in running to the top of a hill just to watch the sunset(even though you can see it from the bottom). I believe in laughing until you cry. I believe in heart to hearts with your best friends. I believe in watching scary movies(even though I have to sleep with my sisters after). I believe in wearing a hoodie and jeans(when you really want to dress up) or the other way around--wearing a cute little dress and heels(when really you are dying to be comfortable). I believe in eating too many pretzel m & m's(and then feeling reallllly guilty about it). I believe in spraying 2 squirts of perfume instead of one. I believe in being late when the situation allows. I believe in being early too. I believe in singing at the top of my lungs no matter who hears me. I believe in painting your nails all one color except for one. I believe in life and the little things that make it beautiful. I believe EVERYONE deserves to experience their own LITTLE THINGS and I believe they should experience those things this year. I believe it starts with hope and that hope begins with us. It begins this new year--tonight.
This year is about embracing--ourselves and others.
Love the words to this song. Leave it all behind. I can do that this year...
Today I walked out of the same doors of the same church I have walked out of every Sunday for the past 365 days. Today I found myself back to day 1 and walking out of those doors was different--a good different. And so that is what this new year is about, it is about the differences and beautiful moments in life. It is about waking up and doing things that we don't want to do, yet maybe those things will be just the things we were meant to do and that make all the difference in our lives. It is about stepping outside of our comfort zones and risking everything we are to live passionately, and not just for ourselves, but for others. This year is about taking a step back and realizing that happiness does indeed lie within ourselves, but that that same happiness doesn't change a thing in our lives until it is shared with others, until it makes a difference in someone else's life. This year is about loving more no matter how hard it may be, laughing longer, opening our hearts up without reserves, letting people in no matter how scared we are, and embracing--embracing this crazy beautiful life. This year is about time. It is about taking it day by day and accepting the fact that life is short and fragile and that we aren't promised a tomorrow. This year is about counting our blessings and realizing that someone out there tonight has no hope and will continue for the next 364 days without hope unless we add others to our list of resolutions this year.
I believe in living and loving unequivocally. I believe that that driving with the volume up and the windows down(even if it messes up your hair) is totally worth it. I believe keeping Christmas lights strung up from your ceilng year round is perfectly acceptable. I believe camping out in your backyard with your bestfriends is the only way to spend summer nights. I believe in dancing until you can't dance anymore. I believe in running to the top of a hill just to watch the sunset(even though you can see it from the bottom). I believe in laughing until you cry. I believe in heart to hearts with your best friends. I believe in watching scary movies(even though I have to sleep with my sisters after). I believe in wearing a hoodie and jeans(when you really want to dress up) or the other way around--wearing a cute little dress and heels(when really you are dying to be comfortable). I believe in eating too many pretzel m & m's(and then feeling reallllly guilty about it). I believe in spraying 2 squirts of perfume instead of one. I believe in being late when the situation allows. I believe in being early too. I believe in singing at the top of my lungs no matter who hears me. I believe in painting your nails all one color except for one. I believe in life and the little things that make it beautiful. I believe EVERYONE deserves to experience their own LITTLE THINGS and I believe they should experience those things this year. I believe it starts with hope and that hope begins with us. It begins this new year--tonight.
This year is about embracing--ourselves and others.
Love the words to this song. Leave it all behind. I can do that this year...
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